Two (completely unimportant) things that are rarely discussed:

1. The genius of Six Feet Under
2. The brilliance of Fiona Apple

Sometimes you just can’t fight it…

I’ve gotten a lot better at this anxiety thing. It hits and most of the time, I get it and can deal with it…even reason my way out of it. Logic solves most anxious moments.

It is so fucking hard to be an adult. An adult with things/people/animals to care for. It’s hard to have a family, immediate/extended/friendship-oriented. The more love you build into your life, the better it is, but the more there is at stake.

There is so much at stake. My heart hurts just thinking about it.

Yes, this is dramatic, but it’s also real. This is where my anxiety hits these days. I am terrified a lot of the time. And granted, we’ve had a few harrowing experiences these past few months (would explain but it’s just too late and I’ve got to go to bed soon) that warranted some fear and luckily resolved themselves well. But what if we’re not so lucky? What else does fate have in store for us? What if I lose everything?

I am terrified.

Sometimes I can really rationalize and talk myself out of it. But tonight, it’s too late and I’m too tired and I’ve seen and read too much and dealt with crap both silly and serious and I’m just….in it. It is there. And it is scary. And I’m trying to fight it, but it’s so hard.

It is so hard.

Random things…

  • I hate Kevin Costner as an actor, and probably as a person, too.
  • I had Hootie in the Blowfish in my head (unfortunately) all morning, because Georgia’s going through another bad sleep pattern and all I could think was “Let Her Cryyyyyy.” And it stopped (thank god). And now, 15 hours later, the Friends episode where they go to a Hootie concert is on…and Hootie is back in my head (really unfortunately).
  • I’ve been seriously missing New York these days. Like a lot a lot.
  • Hootie is responsible for some of the worst music EVER.
  • Life feels stagnant sometimes.
  • I should be sleeping right now.
  • I don’t get the big hoopla with the Kimye Vogue cover. Anna Wintour knows what she’s doing…….selling magazines.
  • I just got my copy in the mail and the spread itself is fine. Nothing extraordinary. Grace Coddington stood out to me more than Kim or Ye did. That and the shot of Kris clearly trying to suck the essence out of poor little North.
  • Kris is scary.
  • I don’t know what to do with my life.
  • I wish I’d planned that earlier.
  • I wish a lot of things.
  • Don’t worry…I’m fine.

Check this off the list of things I never thought I’d say…

Chief Keef lives in my neighborhood (no, really) and he’s shooting people (no, really)! (Well, actually, only close to really…he was “there” when the shots were fired that put someone in the ICU…in my little sleepy town…)

He (or his manager, it’s unclear) seriously lives about a half a mile from my house, on the street behind mine, and there have been crazy helicopters and police activity all morning.

I hope whoever was shot ends up okay and this gets squared away. It’s scary when it’s literally so close to home.

Jesus, people really DO get their shit together

Tonight, I googled someone I used to know a looooooong time ago. I’ve long known that this girl is not on FB (smart girl) and I wanted to see if I could glean what she was up to with her life, all 20 years later.

This girl was kind of a mess when I knew her. I don’t remember all the circumstances, but there was depression, bulimia, acting out, a lot of meanness at other girls’ expenses (somehow I was spared and was, for a time, her confidant….as much as she was really willing to share with me…), and just a lot of crazy behavior. She got kicked out of places. She got in trouble a lot. I knew deep down she was a good person, but there was just a lot that was off about her. She was, then, the type of person you thought would end up getting into real trouble one day. She seemed, at the time, broken.

But that was 20 years ago. And people, clearly, do change. Because from her LinkedIn page, she’s fairly successful and has been for a while now. Accomplished. Together? Maybe? I mean, as much as you can tell from a LinkedIn profile. At least professionally together. She could still be a personal mess. But who knows?

Bottom line, it was kind of crazy to me to discover that the girl who I’d been afraid for, who I’d wondered about, was doing more than okay.

(And then I felt bad about myself that even my childhood fuck up friend is more successful than I am, but that’s a whooooole other post. I’m so self-centered. And the internet is the mother-fucking devil.)

Anyway, I’m glad she’s well.

Restraint

Georgia’s very big lately on reading books herself (“SELF! SELF!”). And reading herself basically means she will turn the pages and point to things and say “wha dis?”

So today at nap time and again at bed time, she wanted to read Goodnight Moon. And every time she saw the picture of the cow jumping over the moon, she said “wha dis?” Do you know how many times the picture of the cow jumping over the moon is featured in Goodnight Moon? A lot.

"Wha dis?"
"It’s the picture of the cow jumping over the moon…"

"Wha dis?"
"It’s the picture of the cow jumping over the moon…"

"Wha dis?"
[sigh] “It’s the cow.”

"Wha dis?"
"What do YOU think it is?"

And I’ll tell ya, it took a lot for me to not be like, IT’S THE MOTHER-FUCKING COW JUMPING OVER THE MOON, NOW STOP ASKING!!!!!

I’m now drinking. It’s been that kind of day.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi, everyone.

It’s been a while.

It’s late right now and I should be sleeping, but I’ve felt like writing for a while now. Problem is, in true me form, I feel like I have to write like a huge, explanatory post about where I’ve been for the last three (three? I think?) months. But really, you all know where I’ve been. I’m here. I’m always here.

So I’ll just say hi for now. And write the stupid inane stuff that comes into my head when I feel like it. Some of it will be explanatory. Some will just be about Real Housewives. I just can’t quit that stupid show.

This is how much I’ve changed…

I really kinda wanna watch the Britney special.

Oh my god, who AM I??

Can’t sleep

Too much running through my head (including an inane song from yo gabba gabba…this is my life now). I’m so tired my eyes are stinging, but my brain won’t shut off.

I’m angsty. I’m reaching far and casting wide nets and just…I’m trying too hard at life. I need to just live. Live and love and do the things that are important to me.

That’s all.

Jeez it’s been a while…

I just FB friended a person from my mom/tot class that I like. She’s really down to earth and funny and interesting. I don’t know her that well, or…well at all, really…but she seems like a person I could learn from.

She has three kids; her daughter is in the class with Georgia. On her FB page, she wrote a post/note which was a letter to her daughter. First thing she mentions is teaching her daughter to strive for the best and not be meek and stand back because that’s what girls are taught to do.

And I was like…huh. And I remembered my second to last post about teaching Georgia to….not……strive………for the best. Hmmm.

Is it so institutionalized in me that I didn’t realize the implication of what I was saying? I can tell you that I truly was coming from a place not of gender, but of self-deprecation, really. I believed I was “the best”. I wasn’t. The let down of that realization and the dreams that went out the window was effing sad. I don’t want Georgia to have that same feeling. It sounds depressing and I don’t mean it to be that, either. I want her to do her best, always, but not care so much about what that means in the grand scheme (other than it making her a good and hard-working person). It’s reality. The world doesn’t need yet another person walking around thinking they’re awesome. The world needs more people actually BEING awesome. The thinking about it takes away from the doing, somehow.

But thinking about it from a place of gender…well that changes it a bit. I never ever ever want my amazing, strong, smart, cautious, considerate, hilarious, joyous, beautiful daughter to feel as though she shouldn’t be the best she can be because girls mustn’t. Girls shouldn’t. Girls stand back. I didn’t realize my words and wish for her to not worry about being “the best” could be more institutionalized teaching. Had I a son, would I tell him the same thing? I could say now that I would, but maybe it’s so in me….it’s so unconsciously ingrained in my head…maybe I wouldn’t have.

Something to think about for sure. This is why blogs really can be great. Anything that makes you think and reevaluate and learn and grow…it’s so important.

In any event, it did make me think. And I will make sure that teaching G the realities of life includes teaching her the difference between humility and meekness. And that her voice can be kind and loud at the same time. And she should use it, should she choose to.

Overreacting since 1978.

abinthesaddle@gmail.com

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