So much to say about last night’s episode. I haven’t yet read Sir Lawson’s recap…as I wait to read his until after I write mine, but I sure am looking forward to what he has to say about it! (Also, I like when we agree on things. He doesn’t know we agree, but I do, and it makes me happy)
Okay, so again…if I skip around, it’s because I’m an idiot and should really take notes while I’m watching, but that would push me over the edge into sad territory, so you understand.
Actually, I just pulled up the episode on Bravo’s website, so I’m gonna just scan through and then I’ll remember what I wanted to say about everything I wanted to say something about. Make sense? Have I teetered again on the edge of sad territory? Oh well.
Perez Hilton is a DICKWAD! I think we all know this. But honestly Bethenny? How does he know? We didn’t tell anyone! Yeah, no one except your assistant and several producers and execs at Bravo, hence them FILMING THIS WHOLE THING! Come on, now. You have every reason to be upset, but don’t play the surprised card. What you should be is pissed at whoever in the Bravo family squealed. Or you should admit that somehow Perez found out through someone in your camp…maybe even you. I like you and I choose not to believe that second part of what I said, but you know what I’m getting at. Well, no, you don’t…because I’m not having this conversation with you, but with my little crew of readers. Reality check, Alison.
That all said, I do feel bad for B and J, as it is a Jewish (and sometimes not Jewish) thing to wait until 12 weeks to spill the beans. And Jason’s reaction was understandable and I felt upset for him. Though I will say, he did know what he signed up for and, again, the surprise factor of it? Well…Perez certainly popped J’s naivete cherry about that whole thing. They’re in your lives. They like it. The woman you’re marrying likes it, otherwise she wouldn’t be there. Let’s not kid. Pun kind of intended.
So…LuAnn going to Sonja’s house? Sonja’s all alone so she went out and got coffee? Um, Sonja? You could just say that you went out and got coffee. You didn’t have to qualify it with, “Because I’m all alone today”. Oh, the poor rich divorcee is all alone and therefore all manual labor must cease because God forbid she know how to use her probably $400 coffeemaker. I don’t care that she went out to get it…just that she had to emphasize how completely helpless she is without her “people”. Get over it, woman.
Jill MUST be doing some of this bitchiness for the camera. I mean, it’s really over the top. She wasn’t this bad on previous seasons, was she? The Evite comment? I mean…that was ridiculous and rude!! Also, I love how now that she’s realized she wants her friendship with B back, that she’s getting all snippy and rude to LuAnn. It’s beginning, my friends. The cast-off is starting, wherein the stand-in friend (LuAnn) suddenly gets left in the dust by the user (Jill) as she tries to mend her friendship with someone she actually likes. It’s so obvious and ridiculous! That said, it was awesome seeing Lu and Sonja chattering away and Jill just standing there with that stinkface on. Hilarious.
I find it so funny that no matter what the topic, LuAnn makes it about her. “She blocked me from Twitter…but do I care?” Um, yes, LuAnn. Yes, I think you do! “Now I know why she jumped down my throat! She’s hormonal!” No, LuAnn…she jumped down your throat because you SUCK! Uuuugh, she’s so stupid, I don’t even want to waste time talking about her. Buh-bye!
Sooooo…I don’t like this Sonja character. I think she’s an idiot. And I love how she brought Ramona to the dr. because she knows Ramona would do the research, but then she totally disregarded the valid questions R brought up. And her “everything in moderation” mantra? I don’t really know that that applies to plastic surgery. That’s surgery. It’s never minor. Or moderate. And doing extra planks, as Ramona suggested? That’s not extreme. You’re just lazy.
I liked B’s conversation with Alex about the pregnancy. Alex seemed genuine and sweet about it. But then…then the “order” was given. But not really, because I don’t really think it was an order. It seemed more like B was saying, hey, if it comes up and she starts talking to you about it, maybe you could mention it, blah blah blah. I don’t know that that meant that Alex should walk in there, guns blazing and pointed at Jill…but more on that later. I do love how whenever Bethenny talks about Jill, she assumes the Jill voice. It’s amazing and so apt.
The rest of Jill’s stupid shit was boring…blah blah blah, she talks too much.
Sonja’s psychic lady? Honestly? I can’t even. I really just can’t. All I’m gonna say is…you go girl. Rake that rich bitch for all you can. Do it. Go ahead and give her the most obvious advice ever. I got you. I totally got you. You have my blessing.
Oh! The Bloomingdale’s thing of LuAnn’s where Jill was being ridiculous? and Ramona’s party where she’s being so mean?? Seriously…she MUST be doing it for the cameras! Or…maybe she’s the one on the Adderol? Is she going through “the change”? I mean…it’s insane!
I don’t really care about Ramona and her dumb skin care line. But do you see my point from last time about the branding? True Renewal? And she’s talking about renew renew renewing herself!? It doesn’t take a marketing genius to get what she’s doing. Speaking of marketing…I cannot count how many times I’ve been that girl filling the gift bags for an event. R’s intern was doing it right…lining them up against the wall and dropping each thing in? Someone took PR101!
Okay…so the main event: the hit on B’s/Jill’s/Alex’s friendships. Well, first of all, what the hell is Simon wearing at that event? Okay…Alex really took this a little too seriously and I have to say, I am on Jill’s side with this. It was pretty humiliating to do that in front of everyone in such a dramatic fashion. It was actually really difficult to watch—like NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It was awful! I liked B’s description that Alex borrowed some of Bethenny’s balls and said things that she actually wanted to say for herself. That makes sense. I wonder, though, if B was angry watching the footage last night and seeing how it all went down. Because it really was a petty way to do it. And I don’t think B meant for that to be the way it happened. It was all weird and strange and…just…not right. So, yeah, that was the main event.
I particularly liked Jill’s I’ll never forgive her for this…I might forget, but I’ll never forgive her. Right. So you’ll see her years down the line and be like, I’m holding a grudge! I don’t know what it’s for…but I’m holding on to it for dear life!
I want first to say that I have nothing but love for Inthesaddle, ok? And, as jhnbrssndn would say, it wouldn’t do for us all to be alike, would it?
This list is horseshit. Just, OMG, please. Like of course, maintaining my weight is an excellent way to cope with stress! So is meeting my own needs! And getting enough sleep! Ouch, my eye!
Hahaha…the minute I saw that you reblogged it I knew this was going to be your response. I don’t like all of it. Some are good reminders though. It’s all obvious, of course, but sometimes we forget the obvious.
I am a “need to know” type person. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like anticipation. I like to know what’s going on…or else be completely oblivious to the situation (don’t ever say to me…”omg I have the best present for your birthday five months from now…you’ll just have to wait!”…yeah, no!).
Thus, I’ve always been a thinker about future plans. I’m not a planner, really, but I enjoy knowing what is to come and normally I get anxious when I can’t see ahead of me. But now…now is just unknown. There are vague plans. There are little bursts of light in the distance. But nothing is clear. It’s all hazy.
Sometimes this freaks the hell out of me. Today, though, it exhilarates me. I feel a butterfly in my belly thinking about all the things that could happen or even that will happen. It’s exciting and scary and confusing and oh so huge. Life is oh so huge sometimes.
As I was driving home last night, I went past Subterranean and Double Door and thought, my name has been up on that marquis. So has your father’s (many more times than mine). It’s likely that you’ll be born in Chicago and thus one day know of these places, if they’re still around. And it’s likely that you’ll look at them, then look at us, your parents, and think really? YOU played there? I assure you, it happened.
At the turn of the millennium, your mother braved the mean streets of New York, by way of the West Village (oh so mean, really…) with a cassette tape (mm-hmm) in hand of some scrappy recordings of some silly songs she’d written, and got herself some shows at old-school joints like The Bitter End and CB’s Gallery and such. She performed quite a lot back then, recorded two albums, and even got a little press for the second. There were many highs and lows, many hopes and many let downs. And there were choices made, for the better and for the worse.
Your father started a couple years later and made it much farther than your mom ever did. He and his bandmates worked their way up the Chicago scene, eventually selling out venues and getting lots and lots of press. They were recognized in the streets. They were on the radio. They played Lollapalooza. They toured the country. They toured the U.K. They recorded an album. They lived it. They touched it. They put all they had into it and got a lot in return. It was hard and tiring, but your dad loved it. For him, too, there were many highs and lows, hopes and let downs. And for him, too, there were choices made…for better and for worse.
So when you see your parents as most kids see their parents…hopelessly uncool and so parent-y…just know that once, long ago, we did something really cool. We put our dreams on the line and went for it. We grew up and changed and accepted and decided big things and moved on and instead of being our lives, it’s become part of our lives. And that seems sad, and it is a little. But mostly it’s amazing. We did what we wanted. What we dreamed. And you will see it as you grow up. We will let you see it. We will teach it to you. We will give it to you. And hopefully, you will know the passion we felt for it, and you will feel passion like that for something in your lives as well.
I’m no interior designer, but I will say that A #1 in home decorating is keeping it consistent. Don’t have an ultra modern kitchen if the rest of your house is old-school and vintage, or vice versa. If you’re going to redo the floors, make them the same color wood as the rest of the house, especially if it’s on the same level of the home. There needs to be a flow from room to room, and if each room has too different of a feel, it’s just gonna look dumb!
I see it as each room in a house being a member of a family. They might not look alike and they might each have their own personalities, but they all have somewhat of a resemblance…like, oh….I get it, they’re sisters! You know what I mean?
So tell me what I want, what I really really want...
I (we) just bought Jonny a new bike for our anniversary. That was what he wanted. It’s a really nice one on the less expensive end of the bike spectrum. He’s very very pleased. He told me I can pick out a few things that I would like for my gift and then he’d pick one. I don’t know what I want!! Well, there are so many things! Can I do several little things? Should I do a yarn spinning wheel? Will I use it? Will I wear jewelry if he gets me that? Can I get new ballet flats from J.Crew or is that not special enough? Can I get stuff for the house or is that not really a gift for me?
ReHooooooos...no, seriously...they're a bunch of hos.
So that Sonja? I think she’s watched a little too much Sex and the City.
Sonja, honey, you are NOT Samantha Jones. She is FICTIONAL.
That said, let me begin:
Gosh, what happened…I can’t remember the order, so I’m just going to replay it in whatever order it comes to mind. Deal with it, bitchez.
That wasn’t really a bullet, but you know. Neither is this. Shutup. I’m PMSy and I’ll cut you.
So LuAnn looking for apartments. First of all, Kelly Killoren Bensimon (who is seriously, gaggingly, becoming more and more likable with every episode…I know, right?), LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS DOT COM! Secondly, how naive our little LuAnn is. You’re looking at a seriously gorgeous newer building on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I don’t know how many bedrooms, but I’m assuming at least three, probably four. I don’t know what your “budget” is, but $7500-$14,000, while absurd, is not unexpected in the most expensive city in the world. Also, stop complaining about seeing buildings outside your window. YOU’RE IN A CITY, YOU IDIOT.
Again, I’m jumping around, but while we’re talking about LuAnn, I love that they’re all making these side comments about what a little hussy she is. Reminds me of the “Lovely Ladies” song from Les Miserables—she plays a virgin in the light/but needs no urgin’ in the night! Kinda funny.
The Bethenny/Alex friendship? I dig it. They’re really sweet and seem to be real friends. For now.
Bethenny’s ring? FUGLY. I’m sorry, that thing looks fake. There is such a thing as too big!Only super blue-haired old aristocratic ladies can pull that off…just cuz they’re too old to make fun of. Not impressed, Jason.
That said, I kind of like Jason. I still can’t figure him out so much, but he seems like an upstanding guy and B seems to really love him. And he seems to love her. So that’s good. I’m for it…I think.
Similar to the side comments about LuAnn’s life as a hoor, I love how they’re all convinced Ramona’s on drugs. I mean. She is. But it’s funny.
Speaking of drugs, I really hated how Sonja was talking about going on Adderol to get skinny. That’s logical and a really healthy viewpoint to have. Good for you, Sonja!
Speaking of Ramona, her “office” and her “assistants”? How staged were they??? It looked like they just threw some desks and random articles of clothing in a storage room somewhere and played pretend office. Like Ramona said, “okay, girls, I’m the executive and you are my assistants and I’m going to come in and boss you around, okay!? No, assistant #1, you’re not playing right! Let me be the boss!”
Also speaking of Ramona, has anyone noticed the branding going on? She keeps talking about “renewing” herself. Isn’t her business called ReNU or whatever? (Wait, isn’t that a contact lens solution? Shouldn’t she have checked that?) And she keeps saying it, renewing my hair, renewing my life, renewing my vows. Blah blah blah. Renew renew renew! And she blasted Bethenny for being a branding whore? Hi kettle, it’s pot, you’re black.
Okay, so the main event, the Gotham party:
Kelly Killoren Bensimon can absolutely pull off that short of a dress. She’s got the legs. I say go for it.
Jill, your outfit was ugs. Like your soul.
Bethenny, if you don’t want people to know you’re pregnant yet, wearing a skin tight bandage dress with your pregnancy-swollen breasts hanging out is probably not the best idea. I’m not saying you should have worn a sack that would totally scream out “I’m pregnant”, I get that you need to maintain your usual look to keep the secret, but something in the middle would probably have done that just as well. Though I will say, your commentary on everyone’s outfits was hilarious. Love you, gurl.
Alex, you are not Liza Minelli. That…er…dress was a no. A big one.
LuAnn, way to not be for real while congratulating Bethenny. Also, way to make it about yourself. Also, that “hot bachelor” you went home with? With the cheesy dyed blond hair? He. Is. Nasty. Gross. You hussy.
Jill, you are a piece of shit. The look on B’s face should have told you that you were wrong because you know what? That was pure hurt. B was like a skittish cat trying desperately to get away from a situation. Her hackles were raised and she was darting around so uncomfortably. And yes, Jill, YOU caused it. Go back to your pooping, neurotic dog (that is pooping and neurotic because you treat it like a toy rather than a dog) and your stupid book about making Jews look unbearably annoying and judgmental (thanks for that by the way, clearly I’m learning a lot!). You are done in B’s book and therefore done in mine. DONE!
Phew! And that’s all she wrote for this week, ladies and gents. I’m particularly looking forward to the ridiculous that is and will be LuAnn the pop star (hussy). Oh my embarrassment.
So please stop making comments about us eating the treats we bake or leftover catering from events or bagels our boss brings in. We know bathing suit season is approaching. We know that eating lots of sweets isn’t great for us. We each have a little obnoxious mother voice in our head saying “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!”, like it was 1952 (just me? oh.). It’s really unnecessary, not to mention inappropriate to bring it up to us every time you see said food sitting out on the “everybody share” area of the file cabinet.
And by the way, next time you’re compelled to make a comment about each of our weight, why don’t you pause and take a loooong look in the mirror, my friend. Cuz you ain’t the picture of “fit” yourself.
But, close the door when you’re peeing on the pregnancy test. Seriously.
Also, “what am I supposed to be fat now?” You just lost a lot of sales on your book. Because those are the words of someone with a serious image problem, not someone who’s telling people they can be “naturally thin”.
I’m a bit behind, because I was taking Jess out when the show started, and I’m also going to write a whole recap…but I just had to say this.
RE: LuAnn dating a Jewish man? “Alex would die”??? Seriously??? So, you just basically said with utter nonchalance, on television, in front of your supposed best friend who’s Jewish, that your husband’s an anti-semite.