Doing somewhat better today. I can feel the cloud passing. Do any of you experience that? Being able to be cognizant of an episode or whatever…its start, its middle, its end. I’ve been aware for a while, so this is nothing new to me. It sucks that much more to be aware of it. It’s like being drunk and but not so out of control drunk that you don’t realize what you’re doing. You know…you just can’t control how you feel and your reactions. That’s how this is. Except it’s not fun like being drunk is. And now, as I feel it passing by, I’m relieved and happy to be feeling somewhat normal again. It doesn’t mean I won’t start crying at the drop of a hat, but…hey…baby steps.
I’m hanging on to this anxiety for a reason. I know kind of what the reason is, but I don’t understand it. And I don’t know how to let it go. But hell if I’m trying as hard as I can.
I had dinner plans with friends tonight. I was looking forward to this all week. I was, essentially, fine all week. And then, today…this afternoon, really…it struck.
I had too much coffee and not enough food or not enough water or whatever. My stomach was gurgling, I felt sluggish and just…off. And it started and built upon itself and before I knew it, I was trapped in its cyclone. My rational brain just sat there, helpless. I tried so hard to keep the anxiety at bay. I tried so hard to just be normal. Let it pass. I tried to move with it, as I would with turbulence on a bumpy flight. Nothing helped. I could barely eat. I couldn’t really concentrate.
I’ve been trying to stay away from my meds but tonight it was just unavoidable. T actually had to drive me back to my place to get my drugs and come back to dinner. Once they kicked in, I felt better and was able to eat a little bit and participate fully in conversation with my two dear friends. So it ended up okay.
But now I’m home in bed and I’m returning to a place I haven’t been in a long time. I’m angry. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at my mind. And I know it’s so useless and it only exacerbates the problem to think that way. But I can’t help it. I’m angry and frustrated and I don’t want to go on meds again and I can’t figure out how to do this normally. I feel like I’m reaching…grasping everywhere. I feel like people are at their wits’ end with me…they’ve been through this before. They’ve witnessed it. They don’t know how to help it. I don’t even know how to help it.
I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this place. It’s not a good place to be. And I’m scared it’s going to get worse.
He didn’t come back today but I’ve been profiling all weird people.
I was thisclose to kicking a woman out for talking to her stuffed toy and walking it around the cafe for two hours. I think she’s still up there.
STOP THAT. YOU’RE A GROWN UP.
When I first started playing shows in NY, there was a guy who was known around the folk-club scene for coming to acoustic shows (he loved female singer-songwriters) with his collection of…get this…beanie babies. Not joking. He would sit there and, if he liked you, he would make the beanie babies dance to your music. Yup. Beanie babies. Dancing. To weepy chick rock.
This will be my first cup of coffee in three days. Friday and Saturday were out because I couldn’t stomach anything but saltines and ginger ale and yesterday’s flying extravaganza was not the time to play “let’s see what happens when we have caffeinated coffee on a recovering empty belly! and then let’s get on a plane for 3.5 hours!!” So…yeah.
But today…ah yes, today. A few sips in and I’m in heaven. I’ve missed you, coffee. I have.
Don’t know if it’s a virus or food poisoning but the last 15 hours have seriously sucked. Thank god for vomit-phobe me there was none of that, just a couple of close calls and (stop reading now reallykatie) crippling nausea. And, well, the rest of it.
Fun times! So I’ve finally just been able to keep liquids in and the Ginger ale has effectively settled my tum. I even had a couple of saltines!
I got up shortly after writing my last post and saw my reflection. I no longer look like a vampire. I now look like the idiot who missed a few crucial spots on her chest and shoulders when she applied her sunscreen.
My good friend is a voice over artist for a major family-oriented clothing chain. She just posted this status on her FB page:
[Saddle’s Friend] wants to warn everyone that, despite her vehement protests, next week the world will be repeatedly alerted to the fact that (at a location to remain unmentioned here)… “Juniors’ bottoms are half off.” Yes. Seriously.
It would appear, after having done a side by side comparison of last year’s and this year’s Oscars, that Helen Mirren did not do anything plastic to her face (or if she did, it was done last year, too).
When you’re (kind of, but maybe not really?) wrong…you’re (kind of, but maybe not really?) wrong.
I don’t know if I’m just behind on my news…so if I’m talking about an old story, I apologize…but has anyone seen this story about Bobby Franklin? He’s a Republican member of the House of Reps., from Georgia, has proposed a law that has gotten to the state legislature that prosecutes women for having miscarriages. The sentence could be death for this “crime.”
Now, I don’t know if this is a ploy on his part to be able to pass lighter, but still offensive, anti-abortion/women’s reproductive rights legislation…kind of a “okay, this is too extreme, but how about THIS?” tactic…but even still. I just cannot wrap my head around anyone believing this to be a legitimate law. It disgusts and disheartens me.
So it’s been a loud-fest all up in this building all morning. Mostly coming from our downstairs neighbors, who we actually like, but loud tv, kid noises, parent noises. Now the kid, who is seriously cute, is screaming crying (seriously not cute).
Unrelated: We’ve had Jessa for almost two years and we’re at the point where she shouldn’t be getting a treat every time she goes out. I guess the theory is she shouldn’t expect a treat, she should perform the correct behavior and she will get a treat, so keeping her thinking, well, I could get a treat, is the way to go (or so the trainers and internet readings have told us). (She’s also been scamming hard core for treats…going out a lot and such. Faker.) So she scratched to go out and I took her and didn’t give her a treat. And hell if that sweet face looking up at me didn’t make me wanna scream, OKAY! HERE! HAVE A TREAT, YOU ADORABLY CUTE LITTLE THING!