In the Saddle

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

Doing somewhat better today. I can feel the cloud passing. Do any of you experience that? Being able to be cognizant of an episode or whatever…its start, its middle, its end. I’ve been aware for a while, so this is nothing new to me. It sucks that much more to be aware of it. It’s like being drunk and but not so out of control drunk that you don’t realize what you’re doing. You know…you just can’t control how you feel and your reactions. That’s how this is. Except it’s not fun like being drunk is. And now, as I feel it passing by, I’m relieved and happy to be feeling somewhat normal again. It doesn’t mean I won’t start crying at the drop of a hat, but…hey…baby steps.

I’m hanging on to this anxiety for a reason. I know kind of what the reason is, but I don’t understand it. And I don’t know how to let it go. But hell if I’m trying as hard as I can.

I’m trying so hard.

I had dinner plans with friends tonight. I was looking forward to this all week. I was, essentially, fine all week. And then, today…this afternoon, really…it struck.

I had too much coffee and not enough food or not enough water or whatever. My stomach was gurgling, I felt sluggish and just…off. And it started and built upon itself and before I knew it, I was trapped in its cyclone. My rational brain just sat there, helpless. I tried so hard to keep the anxiety at bay. I tried so hard to just be normal. Let it pass. I tried to move with it, as I would with turbulence on a bumpy flight. Nothing helped. I could barely eat. I couldn’t really concentrate.

I’ve been trying to stay away from my meds but tonight it was just unavoidable. T actually had to drive me back to my place to get my drugs and come back to dinner. Once they kicked in, I felt better and was able to eat a little bit and participate fully in conversation with my two dear friends. So it ended up okay.

But now I’m home in bed and I’m returning to a place I haven’t been in a long time. I’m angry. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at my mind. And I know it’s so useless and it only exacerbates the problem to think that way. But I can’t help it. I’m angry and frustrated and I don’t want to go on meds again and I can’t figure out how to do this normally. I feel like I’m reaching…grasping everywhere. I feel like people are at their wits’ end with me…they’ve been through this before. They’ve witnessed it. They don’t know how to help it. I don’t even know how to help it.

I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this place. It’s not a good place to be. And I’m scared it’s going to get worse.

…but I have a therapy appointment at a conflicting time.

Stupid therapy.

Jonny’s away at a bachelor party. It’s me and Jessa, who are in a fight because she peed on the floor.

Guuuuuurl you know better than that!

Why why why did I get a nutella crepe for lunch?

That’s me.

therealestsocksinthegame:

He didn’t come back today but I’ve been profiling all weird people.

I was thisclose to kicking a woman out for talking to her stuffed toy and walking it around the cafe for two hours. I think she’s still up there.

STOP THAT. YOU’RE A GROWN UP.

When I first started playing shows in NY, there was a guy who was known around the folk-club scene for coming to acoustic shows (he loved female singer-songwriters) with his collection of…get this…beanie babies. Not joking. He would sit there and, if he liked you, he would make the beanie babies dance to your music. Yup. Beanie babies. Dancing. To weepy chick rock.

Takes all kinds…

This will be my first cup of coffee in three days. Friday and Saturday were out because I couldn’t stomach anything but saltines and ginger ale and yesterday’s flying extravaganza was not the time to play “let’s see what happens when we have caffeinated coffee on a recovering empty belly! and then let’s get on a plane for 3.5 hours!!” So…yeah.

But today…ah yes, today. A few sips in and I’m in heaven. I’ve missed you, coffee. I have.

Guess who’s sick on vacation!!!!

Don’t know if it’s a virus or food poisoning but the last 15 hours have seriously sucked. Thank god for vomit-phobe me there was none of that, just a couple of close calls and (stop reading now reallykatie) crippling nausea. And, well, the rest of it.

Fun times! So I’ve finally just been able to keep liquids in and the Ginger ale has effectively settled my tum. I even had a couple of saltines!

Best vacation EVER! Except not.