In the Saddle

Leaving a couple, to return as a family…

Leaving NY this trip was especially bittersweet for me for so many reasons. First being that it will be my last visit there for at least six months or so. On the heels of that, I won’t see my sister or my dad again until this kid is born (mom’s coming in February…yay!). On the heels of THAT…this is the last time Jonny and I will be there, just us. Come less than 12 weeks from now (what, like, 10? I think? OMG.) it will never be “just us” again. Gone will be the ease of life as we know it. We can’t pick up and go. Well, at least not for a very very long time.

There were a ton of families on both flights out and back from NY, and I just watched as each exasperated parent dealt with tons of gear, crying babies, running toddlers, or sullen tweens/teenagers. On the way out, I sat next to a mom and her maybe-11-year-old son, who was one of triplets. The other two were seated with their dad somewhere else. The son was sweet as can be, calm and nice and asking questions of his mom, but not in an annoying way. And even that…even that was hard! I could tell through her kind of short (not mean or annoyed, just short) answers, that the mom just wanted to read the stupid magazines she’d bought, or to take a nap, or just sit in silence. But she couldn’t. And this dude was barely annoying! Imagine a raging or impatient or crying or sick child! Your time is just not your own anymore. You are always somebody’s mother, somebody’s caretaker, somebody’s entertainment, somebody’s question-answerer.

These are the things that scare me. I’ve talked with both my mom and my mother-in-law about this frequently lately. I crave alone time. I crave quiet time. How the hell am I gonna do this? Where is the patience going to come from? I guess it’ll just come from somewhere and even when I think I’ve run out, I’ll just have to deal with it.

Dealing with it will be the new M.O.

So to say goodbye to my family, knowing that I have no plans to return as of yet…except a vague idea of maybe around summertime, when the baby’s had her shots and can deal with being on a plane…was hard. Not just because of the time that will pass—that’ll actually be the easiest part, because I’m sure it’ll go fast—but because of what it represents. The grand change. Forever and ever and ever. The deed is done.

If I sound negative, I don’t mean to. Well, not totally. I’m excited for all the positives that this change brings as well…it’s just a heady thing, to see this time kind of run out in front of you. In many ways, there are lights at the end of this tunnel, but there’s also uncharted territory…possibly rocky terrain…to get through. We’ll be fine, I know we will. Just strange, that’s all.

Sigh…anyway….