In the Saddle

Another false alarm.

My headspace is getting dark, you guys, so I’m going to do the read more… so as not to depress you all.

Since early this morning, I’ve been having pretty strong contractions consistently every five minutes. Stronger than I’ve had thus far. Strong enough to make it slightly harder to talk and where I’ve had to stop what I’m doing and breathe a bit.

Not wanting to make the same mistake I’ve been making for the last six days, I sent Jonny to work anyway. Two hours later, I was experiencing the same thing, so I called the doctor, they said to come in. So Jonny came home,again, and off we went, positive it was the real thing this time.

I was barely dilated. They sent me off to walk around a lot, eat some lunch and see if the contractions get stronger.

They haven’t.

I’m home now.

If anything they’re dying down.

Honestly, guys, I’ve read and heard from people (though no one I know has been through this) that this is totally normal, but I can’t help but be in a bad place right now. Like abadplace. Like, can’t stop crying and so angry I want to punch something. Which is stupid. Nothing’s wrong. My baby is healthy. I’m healthy. Jonny’s healthy. But I can’t help but feel like a fucking idiot. How can I not know what’s going on? How can I not understand what is labor and what isn’t? How can my body be doing this? How much longer is this going to go on? I’m taking it personally and I know I shouldn’t be. But I honestly can’t help it. I don’t know how to let it roll off my back. These contractions are REAL. They’re there and they hurt and it’s frustrating. Yet I’m not even remotely close to where I need to be. I feel like it’s me and I’m doing something wrong. I don’t know what that is.

I am afraid that when the real thing actually does come along, I’m either not going to realize it because I will not believe it’s real and then I’ll be one of those people who gives birth in the street or something because I didn’t have time to get to the hospital…or I’ll just be so blasé about it because I won’t believe it until the kid is outside my body. I’m the boy who cried wolf and I don’t even believe myself anymore!

Speaking of annoyed, Jonny’s super annoyed, not because of the situation (I mean, he is annoyed at that), but because it’s time for me to buck up and deal. He doesn’t know what to do with me, and he’s feeling frustrated too and I’m all me me me! I don’t blame him. I would be annoyed with me right now, if I wasn’t feeling so fucking stupid already.

I’m just sick of this. Sick of getting my hopes up. Sick of my fat fucking face and arms and my swollen, numb hands and my red-all-the-time big swollen Flinstone feet. Sick of being let down. Feeling guilty that I can’t get it together or keep it together. Feeling guilty that I’m even a little angry at my kid! I’m just angry.

And tired.

I’m gonna take a nap.