2.5 cm and a whole lotta pelvic pain…
FINALLY, some progress at the doctor’s office this morning!
My body’s workin’ hard, bitchez!
I’m in a MUCH better mood.
I’m gonna go get a massage now. YAY!
Posts tagged "preggo majeggo."
Calm
It has been an exhausting day, but thanks to some lovely words from friends and fellow Tumblrs, I was able to pull out of my funk a little bit. Thank you for your support!!!
The great thing about the day was that when I thought I was in labor, I was so calm and zen…it felt great. I knew what faced me and that things would get harder and more intense, but I was just excited for it. And calm about it. I was ready for it.
I hadn’t known until then how I was going to feel when that moment came. And of course, since it didn’t actually come, I might react differently when it really does. But for now, I can know that I handled myself like a pro. And I can hold on to that.
I just have to learn to apply that calm and zen to this waiting period. All y’all are right…babygirl will come when she’s ready. And that’s a good thing. And it’s not in my control. And that is OKAY.
I’m working on it. Right now, I’ll just watch the Bulls play an awesome game against the Heat. Go boys go.
Stuff…
Lying here, exhausted. I did not shower today. I didn’t even wash my face. I was dressed at one point, but that changed when Jonny and I returned home from our long afternoon walk with Jessa and I decided I would not leave the house for the rest of the day/night. Though I’ve been basically lying on the couch for the last three days, my body has been through a lot.
Since my non-labor on Thursday, I’ve had more contractions and lots of fun pain, but again, nothing regular enough to let me know this baby’s coming for real. Thanks to Google, I’ve now a name for all of this:
Prodromal Labor
Sounds fun, right? Realer than false labor, but still not quite real. So I have all the contractions and stuff, but it never actually leads up to active labor. It’s all irregular and stops for long periods of time and then starts up again and there’s no distinguishable pattern. The point of it is my body is prepping me for all that I will endure. While that’s good…I’m all, DON’T YOU KNOW I HATE ANTICIPATION? AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO? THIS FAKE OUT? THIS “OOOOH, IT’S LABOR….PSYCH! IT ISN’T!” THANKS, BODY. THANKS A WHOLE FUCKIN’ LOT.
Meanwhile, I am still in pain at various points during the day. So Jonny has had to endure some emotional outbursts of frustration. The fake out is killing me. I don’t do well with fake outs. Give me the real thing or give me nothing.
But there are two nice things to have come out of this three-day contraction crap so far:
1. I’ve learned, once and for all, that I am not in control of this. I am not in control of most things in my life. And sometimes, I just don’t know. And that is okay. Because it’s just life. It just is. That’s a hard concept for me to accept, but I’m trying. And this is, from what I understand, not the first time I won’t be in control of a situation regarding a whole other being that I created. I mean, I’ll be a parent and everything, but this little one is going to have a mind and personality and ideas of her own and I’m not always going to have a say in that. And that……will be interesting. My mother will be laughing when babygirl hits her teenage years and doles out the same crap I did as a bitchy puberty brat. But we have a long time for that….
2. Many people have called and offered to come over or hang out or talk or whatever. Truthfully, the only person I want to be with/talk to right now is Jonny. That’s it. And I’m grateful for this little four-day vacation we’ve had together since he came home from work on Thursday because we thought, foolishly, that we’d have a baby by that night. We do not have our baby yet, but we have had a lovely time just being with each other, relaxing, being quiet, being silly, watching a whole lot of TV, eating, hugging, having family cuddles with Jessa. It’s been great. And it’s been the only saving grace to this, really. Perhaps in my soul I knew I needed more time with him. We needed more time before our lives change forever and ever. He is my strength right now and I only want his comfort and his love to help me wade through this weird time. I’m grateful for him and for this time together. So that’s definitely a plus.
Right now, though. Right now I’m tired, my body is tired and the baby is hiccuping for the third time today, after a really fun round of “let’s pound on mommy’s nethers for a while!!!” Awesome.
I kidded myself into thinking this child was coming early. I didn’t heed the warnings of having this idea. I should have. But I just knew, as if I was the only person who could possibly know my body and my baby and all you people telling me how ridiculous I was being are the ridiculous ones. I knew. Yup.
I didn’t. I won’t. No one does. And even if I said I knew and was right…it would still be arbitrary. No one knows. It’s not in my control. It’s just in how I deal with it.
I’m working on it.
All’s quiet on the (mid)western front…
Aside from some random cramping and general tightness in my belly, nothing’s really doing over here. Jonny’s working from home, I just ate a three-egg scramble with mozz cheese (okay, and one part of a Twix bar), and we’re just……waiting.
I spoke to my doctor last night and she said this could go on for days. DAYS! Bollocks, man! Seriously. This is where being hyper-attuned to your body is a really sucky thing. I think a lot of women don’t even notice this phase and then their water breaks and it’s gushy and gross and they’re on their way. I’m sitting here, feeling everything, not knowing what any of it really means.
And likely, it means nothing. Or everything. Who the fuck knows.
Sigh.
I’m gonna get to packing some dishes. I have to do something.
Soooooooo…
I was super shady before and posted something that only a couple of you saw, then quickly deleted.
I’m not quite sure what’s going on, but I think I’m in the veeeeeery early stages of labor. I was more sure of this earlier today (hence the post, then de-post), but nothing has really progressed. If anything, it’s slowed down. But I do feel weird. Something’s definitely going on. Something that’s different than anything else I’ve felt. The Braxton Hicks turned into heavy lower back pain and some weird tightness in my belly. I called Jonny at around 10am and he quickly came home, both of us thinking we’d probably go to the hospital at some point today.
Alas, it’s 7pm and I’m sitting here, eating Doritos. No hospital right now. Maybe later? Maybe in a few days? I don’t know. This is all very unclear. Which is frustrating.
All the doctors and everyone and whatever say, oh you’ll know. But I think they’re referring to people who suddenly feel seriously heavy contractions and are like, yup…I’m in labor. I am annoyingly aware of my body and its functions/feelings. And so this early stage of am I/am I not? is more apparent for me. Again something feels different, but not different enough to warrant a trip to the hospital.
Y’all, will my water to break or something. I need a clear sign it’s time to go. This indecision, not to mention the anticipation, is killing me.
Plus, my doctor is the one on call today, so that would be nice to get there before that’s over.
Also also, it’s International Women’s Day, which would have been cool to have her born on. AND, it’s Purim and my sister-in-law told us that apparently children born on Purim are very lucky and are natural-born leaders. Woulda been cool. Oh well.
There’s still time, I suppose, but right now it’s looking like not today. Instead, I present you with the (hopefully) last picture of me as a pregnant lady.
Next time you see me, I (hopefully) will be on the other side of the mountain.
Think good thoughts!!
Is it bad…
I’ve been Braxton Hicksing all morning, probably because I’m dehydrated. Is it bad that I don’t really want to remedy this because I’m hoping that if I don’t then they’ll just continue and get stronger and then I’ll go into labor?
Knit your shit…for my own.
I tell you, it was weird to knit something for my own child. I’d been waiting so long to do it — I always knew what I wanted to make, from the moment I got this particular pattern book — and now I actually did it!
It’s what she’ll come home in…introducing her own little sleeping bag (and my knee):
Of course, with the weather these days, we’ll see if she will actually need to use it. I made a little hat too, so she’s all set for not-68 degree weather. Sooooo…yeah.
Now she just needs to come out! COME OUT, BABYGIRL!!!!
And now we wait…
Today was the first day of my maternity leave. It was a day to relish having nothing to do. I could be alone, be quiet, do laundry, clean, run errands, knit, relax, nap. It was nice…and weird to think that this limbo period is going to give way to an entire life change. I’ve waited nine months for this moment. I feared getting to (or rather, not getting to) this moment. I had so hoped I would have at least a couple of days to chill out before the whirlwind starts. Especially since the last few weeks have been utterly crazy.
Friday was my last day at work and until then I’d been going a little mad trying to get everything done and tidy and tied up as much as possible. Going early, staying late. Working harder than my body was happy with. I was achy, tired, run fairly ragged — for anyone let alone a woman in her last trimester. And I was scared that I was going to go into labor either a) before I had a chance to finish everything or b) after I had the chance to finish things, but before I had a chance to relax, meaning my last few weeks before craziness was crazy too.
In the end I got both…well, I got done as much as I could. I ended up having to pass off a lot more than I had wanted, but there was just too much. Too many things that came up in the meantime that I couldn’t ignore. So Friday ended up being more hectic than I would have wanted. I came home late and could not relax. I couldn’t just let it go. It was probably just as much about feeling worried that I’d left too much undone or that I hadn’t explained things well enough to the temp or that I forgot to do some thing(s) as it was that I’m freaked out by the fact that this is all very soon coming to an end. And with that end begins a lot of new things.
1. New baby.
I cannot wait to hold this little one. I cannot wait to meet her and name her and hold her close to me. I am excited to start caring for this little being who is mine and Jonny’s. We made her. We created her. I’m excited to see who she looks like, what her movements are, how she’ll respond to life outside the womb. I pray for her health every day. I pray for my own health and strength and Jonny’s and my family’s as a whole. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed more in my life. I guess it’s never too late to believe in some higher something. Maybe I’m just praying to myself. Who knows.
2. Moving.
We are moving out of our condo in about three weeks (I know, great timing right?). We got incredibly lucky with this sale (fingers still crossed…it ain’t over til the closing papers are signed) and while it’s incredibly crazy and frustrating to have to be this pregnant and deal with packing and moving and arranging and all that, it was the best timing possible. Assuming we’ll have the baby relatively soon (please???), we’ll have a little bit of time here in the city in this place we’ve called home for the last almost four years. We’ll get our bearings. We’ll be close to the hospital. We’ll be in our own little cocoon for a bit.
And then we’ll move in with my in-laws.
3. Living.
We are SO lucky to have this option. We are so grateful for it. To be able to live with Jonny’s parents in their lovely and clean and comfortable home so that we can save a few months’ paychecks and really look for a house that we like/love…it’s just a gift. They’re kind and helpful. And I hope that it won’t drive any of us crazy but I suspect that at moments it likely will. Especially since Jonny works with his dad. There’s no escape. There are thin boundary lines. For all of us. So I’m not so deluded into thinking it’s going to be this idyllic few months of family love. BUT, I know I’m lucky in that we do all get along beautifully and that ultimately, it’ll be great to be with them. I keep telling Jonny that this is a time that we’ll look back on with fondness one day. Even if this part of our lives was in such weird limbo. We’ll be thankful for this time.
4. The Future.
I cannot possibly see what lies ahead for us. I can’t see anything about it. That is so scary to me but I don’t have a choice. And I have to view it as exciting because that’s the way I will be able to lean into it. I don’t want to tiptoe into it. I want to follow its movement. I want to find what will make us happy as a family, as individuals, as people just getting by on this earth. It sounds all hippy-dippy, I know, but seriously…this is my adulthood. I want to know it. I want to feel it and not just let it go by. I feel like that’s all too easy to do, especially once you become a parent.
So…we’ll see. For now, the task ahead is clear. Chill as much as I can until I feel those ever-obvious labor pains and I know it’s time to go. Get as much done to prepare, to get the house clean (in maaaaaajor nesting mode) and make it and myself ready. Ready for baby. Ready for my girl. Ready for what lies in front of us.
T minus 8 hours and 12 minutes…
…’til my maternity leave begins.
Hoooooleeeeeeee sheeeeeeeeeeet.
