In the Saddle

Leaving a couple, to return as a family…

Leaving NY this trip was especially bittersweet for me for so many reasons. First being that it will be my last visit there for at least six months or so. On the heels of that, I won’t see my sister or my dad again until this kid is born (mom’s coming in February…yay!). On the heels of THAT…this is the last time Jonny and I will be there, just us. Come less than 12 weeks from now (what, like, 10? I think? OMG.) it will never be “just us” again. Gone will be the ease of life as we know it. We can’t pick up and go. Well, at least not for a very very long time.

There were a ton of families on both flights out and back from NY, and I just watched as each exasperated parent dealt with tons of gear, crying babies, running toddlers, or sullen tweens/teenagers. On the way out, I sat next to a mom and her maybe-11-year-old son, who was one of triplets. The other two were seated with their dad somewhere else. The son was sweet as can be, calm and nice and asking questions of his mom, but not in an annoying way. And even that…even that was hard! I could tell through her kind of short (not mean or annoyed, just short) answers, that the mom just wanted to read the stupid magazines she’d bought, or to take a nap, or just sit in silence. But she couldn’t. And this dude was barely annoying! Imagine a raging or impatient or crying or sick child! Your time is just not your own anymore. You are always somebody’s mother, somebody’s caretaker, somebody’s entertainment, somebody’s question-answerer.

These are the things that scare me. I’ve talked with both my mom and my mother-in-law about this frequently lately. I crave alone time. I crave quiet time. How the hell am I gonna do this? Where is the patience going to come from? I guess it’ll just come from somewhere and even when I think I’ve run out, I’ll just have to deal with it.

Dealing with it will be the new M.O.

So to say goodbye to my family, knowing that I have no plans to return as of yet…except a vague idea of maybe around summertime, when the baby’s had her shots and can deal with being on a plane…was hard. Not just because of the time that will pass—that’ll actually be the easiest part, because I’m sure it’ll go fast—but because of what it represents. The grand change. Forever and ever and ever. The deed is done.

If I sound negative, I don’t mean to. Well, not totally. I’m excited for all the positives that this change brings as well…it’s just a heady thing, to see this time kind of run out in front of you. In many ways, there are lights at the end of this tunnel, but there’s also uncharted territory…possibly rocky terrain…to get through. We’ll be fine, I know we will. Just strange, that’s all.

Sigh…anyway….

Yogi

I haven’t been to a yoga class in months. If I’ve done yoga, it’s been by myself for a half hour at most. I’ve just been tired and sometimes in pain and…well….just not into it.

Well those days are no longer. I gotta get back in the game, coach!

But since my belly’s getting bigger and I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to modify regular yoga to accommodate that, I’m going to go to my very first prenatal class. I’m excited, but also a little nervous. It’s an hour and a half long…and I haven’t exercised in that long an amount of time in a while. I’ve been doing the recommended minimum (ever the underachiever) of 30 minutes of some kind of activity a day. Walking the dog counts. Cleaning the apartment counts. So 90 minutes is a little daunting, after all this time.

I really did have a good twice a week advanced level yoga stretch though, for a while! First trimester kind of killed that. And it’s hard to jump back in after you’ve lost it. But I’m determined.

Originally, I really wanted to be that cute pregnant woman who does yoga and is all fit and healthy and stuff. And it’s not like I’m unhealthy. I’m eating pretty well, giving myself indulgences as well as real and healthy food. I’m drinking tons of water. I’m making sure I’m kind of active. But I’m definitely not who I “thought” I’d be.

I guess the “ideal” I had in my head for “how I’d be” was just that. An ideal. It wasn’t and isn’t real. Pregnancy is hard and it’s tiring and it’s on-again/off-again. Some days I feel amazing. Some days it’s all I can do to keep my eyes open and my body off the couch. Who did I want to be this ideal for? Myself? The baby? Or other people? So other people could see me and be like, oh she’s so cute! Oh, she’s so fit! Oh, she’s having this really great pregnancy!

My point is….who gives a shit?

So I’m going to yoga today for ME and the BABY. Not for the ideal I’ve created in my head. And if I make it class next week? I will. And if I don’t feel up to it, I won’t. I will do what I can when I can.

I think that’s all I really can do, right?

Thoughts that keep me up at 3 in the morning…

Well, I got up to do my now nightly pee (thanks, kid) and lo, couldn’t fall back asleep. My mind was racing in several different directions, so I employed my usual tactic of falling asleep: replaying a movie/tv show in my head verbatim. It sounds lame, but it’s my version of counting sheep.

So, last night, it was the scene in Breakfast Club where they’re all sitting on the floor and Claire does her lipstick trick and John is a jerk about it and blah blah blah. And then I went past it and was thinking of the end of the movie and when Claire goes into the storage closet with John.

So my question is…are we to believe that they did it in that storage closet? And Claire giving her diamond earring to John is symbolic of her giving her virginity, her purity, to him?

These are very very important questions.

Oh, and I did fall asleep, by the way. An hour later. So it kinda worked.

Good morning! and thoughts…

Things to note this morning:

- So, the Bulls game…um…so much fun. We were lucky to get the sky box seats due to a business connection of Jonny’s. Can you say lots of delicious food and sick views? Well, I can. And how. And though the second and third quarters were a little dicey, our dear Bulls pulled through and kicked ass by the end. I was proud of them. It was really really fun.

- I am wearing a pair of pants today that I have not fit into for two years. Now, I knew after the surgery I lost a bit of weight, but for real. I thought these pants were goners and I was just hanging on to them because I was sad about that. But it’s amazing how my pre-surgery body really was not healthy and thus was bloated and thick. And not in an oh, I ate so much today, way…we’re talking 10 pounds of sick weight. Cuz stuff was not digesting properly and because my diseased gall bladder was making everything all swollen and wonky. Anyway, suffice it to say, I’m glad that I feel good and am healthy again. And I’m happy these pants fit again…cuz they’re total keepers!

- Jonny is graduating law school on Sunday. Three years ago, our lives changed in so many ways…we got married, I left my job and started a new one, we bought our condo, and Jonny began this law school marathon. And three years later, here we are…it feels, simultaneously, like yesterday and ages ago. Lots of stuff will change in the coming months, and it feels really good and appropriate. But I digress. Jonny has worked his ass off for three years, at school, at his job, at his music, at being a great husband and partner. I am SO proud of him. He really did it, y’all. What a guy.

- Now that the weather is finally where it should be (and then some!), I’m feeling particularly happy and relaxed. It’s amazing what a little warmth and sunshine will do (cut to me bitching about the Chicago summer heat and humidity come June/July/August…oh well, it’s a small window, but it’s there).

That’s it for now…happy Wednesday…

thoughts.

There are feelings all around. I’m reading a bunch of them. I agree with most who are not in favor of celebration, but I read a post by Minou that I appreciated and understood about letting everyone have their moment of feeling whatever it is that they’re feeling. I liked that. And then I read several posts on STFU Conservatives and started to get angry at the dumb asses who are now taking the opportunity to criticize Obama. And my thought is…

It’ll never end out there.

It’ll never end in our own country.

Chanting USA over and over again doesn’t make us better. We haven’t won anything. We just took out a horrible, evil, cruel man. It needed to be done. I’m proud of our military and our intelligence and their work and courage. But we haven’t won. This isn’t a celebration.

Anyway, all I can see is NY on 9/11. That’s all I have in my head. And it’s upsetting. And I miss NY. And I feel…..glad, I guess….that he’s gone. But I am somber. I worry about the future. Because it isn’t over. It is foolish to think it is.

Cockiness.

Vince Vaughn amazes me purely from a confidence level. Do you ever get the feeling that nothing shakes that guy? That he’s just like, I’m here in my 6’5” (or whatever) glory and I’ll crack you up with one liners at the same time that I’m annoying the shit out of you for being such a complete fratty douche and I’ll make movies wherein I date women 15 years younger who are way hotter than I am (and better suited for the Swingers-era me), but it won’t matter because my wit is so sharp I’ll cut you with it. You’ll laugh. You know you will. You’re not gonna want to, but you will laugh. You will. 

He’s probably been like that his whole life, that cocky mother-fucker. God bless him.

Morning stuff.

• Sometime this morning I had one of those lucid dreams. In it, I was about to drink a smoothie until my best friend realized it had razor blades in it. You know, light and fluffy stuff.
• I am totally into platform sandals for summer and would like to get a pair. I think I might.
• ReHo Jerz was on marathon on Bravo yesterday and I, of course, watched it. Seriously…the table flip? Never gets old.
• I had an incredibly productive and wonderful weekend. Was able to get a lot done, effectively keep my anxiety at bay and refocus my attention to the good in life. Because there is so much of it.
• So really, what’s up with the razor blade dream??
• Thought right now: one day, Jonny and I will sell our condo and buy a house. And it’ll be great, not just because it’s a house, because we will truly (monetarily and karma-wise) have earned it…
• …and I’d like some lunch now. What else is new?

My last thought on Rebecca Black

Who knew it would take this little pitzelah, whose music I could not care less about, to bring me out of my posting funk?

I do not think it means what you think it means…

I got a new porn tumblr follower (hi there!). Is this because I posted a song called “Feel Like Makin’ Love”?

Interesting.